My eyes burn from staring at a never-ending stream of legal agreements all day long. My stomach feels queasy from too much coffee. It’s nearly midnight, and I came to a cafe hoping to quickly take care of some loose ends at work and then spend some time writing a post for this site, but it took me way too long to finish up working and now I’m just plain exhausted. All I can think about is how tired I am and how much work I have to do tomorrow morning and how early I have to get up. I don’t have the energy to try and be witty or creative or erudite.
And I guess that’s the problem. The years have gone by, and I have continued to waste time at 9 to 5 jobs (or 8 to 10) in which I have no real interest, passion or talent. But those jobs still consume energy, and the older I get, the less energy I have to expend overall, which means that I have even less and less energon in reserve to figure out what the hell I am doing in life. Which makes me start to feel like the longer I wait, the more unlikely it would seem that I will ever figure it out. (Yes, I said energon. And when I say that, I mean 80′s vintage energon, not 21st century CGI energon. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, don’t worry about it, because I am a humongous dork.)
On the other hand, I could just stop working. I could, in liz’s words, simply just stop walking. Stop and be still.
But here’s the thing…even if you stop walking, everyone else just KEEPS ON RUNNING. Can you imagine if you were in a pack of runners (imagine the start of a marathon) and then you simply just abruptly stopped? Worst case, you’d be trampled and die in a bloody mangled heap. At the least, you’d end up alone, as runner after runner passes you as they head off to wherever it is that they’re going.
I’ve been walking/running, but at a slow and halting pace. Some of the “runners” are starting to fade from view. Recently I heard that a classmate from law school made partner at his law firm. He’s one of the first, but he certainly won’t be the last, and as the years go by, more and more of my former classmates and colleagues will take their places as captains of the legal industry. And, even though I don’t really have any interest in becoming a partner at a law firm, I still feel a pang of envy for that guy, because he’s already gotten to where he’s been heading and I’m just wandering around in the woods, trying to figure out what direction to go.
So I can’t really bring myself to completely stop moving. Maybe that would be better, but, like a shark, I have this compulsive need to not come to a complete stop. Maybe it’s just peer pressure, but with the entire world running this race, I guess I’m just hoping that if I simply keep moving, that somehow I might accidentally end up in a desirable place. Because I’m sure as hell not happy with where I am now.
liz
love this, chris. and i like that you discerned that your envy for your classmate is that he knew where he wanted to go and got there — not that he made partner at a law firm per se.
this might require some further discussion — and in no way am i letting you off the hook because you’re a dude — but a friend of mine and i were discussing how it can be harder for men to “stop walking” than women because there’s more pressure on men to provide, to be financially secure, etc. etc. and because men have traditionally found more of their identities in work. but again, this might merit more discussion later. and you’re not off the hook.
aimee
but even if u were left in a bloody mangled heap, and ended up alone.. wandering the wilderness, don’t you think after a while, the pain and loneliness might subside (might not) and you could at least stop feeling the stress of comparing yourself since there would be no one left around you to compare with?
maybe you would find new companions to compare yourself with, like ants and beetles, who are so different from you that you don’t even need to compare, and then maybe you would find yourself at peace with yourself, because there’s no more wondering as to whether you’ve chosen what’s best, or whether you’re missing out, because you have become the king and lead creator of your own existence?
did you ever read Hope for the Flowers? i didn’t even know the title until i looked it up just now. i picked up to read at a bookstore in korea because it was short and had pictures. haha. i stood there until i finished and thought, “Deep. Cute. Nice for both kids and adults, but I bet my brother and i could do it better!”
you should read it. this post reminds me of the story. so when you get done chasing along with the others, maybe you, me and liz could write an amazing new children’s book! one that’s simple, profound, beautiful, and intelligent. 
i agree with liz.. it can be harder for men.. but doable all the same. STOP RUNNING this silly race! you have so much creativity and ingenuity that is bursting inside, waiting for you to allow it room to break forth!!! hee haw!